The past couple of months have been personally chaotic and challenging. I’ve felt trapped in an old variety show act, desperately trying to keep all the plates spinning on their poles while Sabre Dance frantically and loudly plays over and over. Last week, in particular, was rough, as I felt pulled in a million directions dealing with one crisis after another and I just couldn’t keep the plates up. I had too many commitments, too many of my people needing me, and there wasn’t enough of me to go around. By Wednesday night, as I put away some hurriedly finished laundry at 11 pm, after having been up and on the go to one thing after another since very early that morning, I realized I was going to have to bail on something. And it was agonizing.
Although I have made a lot of progress, Satan really likes to push my perfectionist buttons and make me feel inadequate. I live in fear of letting people down, of not being enough. I used to think I was a 1 on the Enneagram (if you aren’t familiar with the concept of the Enneagram, check it out here), but after attending a session by Beth McCord at a recent conference, I realized I am really a 3. What do 3’s struggle with? Being inefficient, incompetent, a failure. We want to be admired and seen as successful, efficient, and valuable. So, getting to the point last week where I had to admit I was not going to be able to fulfill all my commitments and I had to let something go just fueled those always lurking fears.
Any other 3’s out there? Do you ever hear things in your head like…?
“If I can’t get everything accomplished, I’m going to let someone down because no one can do this except me.”
“If I were more efficient, I could have figured out a way to get everything done.”
“If I can’t handle everything, no one will love or respect me.”
I had to remind myself (and now I am reminding you) that God does not expect us to be perfect, and therefore, neither should anyone else–not even ourselves. In fact, God wants us to boast in our weakness so that He may be glorified and His perfection evident.
2 Corinthians 12:9 “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
All we must do to see that God loves flawed people is to read our Bibles. Abraham slept with his servant. Moses got really, really angry. David had an affair. Peter denied Jesus. Jesus sought out those who no one could claim were righteous, or efficient, or accomplished and used them to change the world forever.
Yes, we have imputed righteousness through Jesus, and He is, of course, perfect. But on our own, we are filthy rags.
And why is perfectionism so dangerous? Isn’t it a good thing to want to do things excellently? Striving for perfection is vastly different than striving to do things well. The difference is who we are relying on. God wants us dependent on Him, leaning on Him, focused on Him. Perfectionism desires focus on and approval for self. We perfectionists rely on our competence and strength. We become our own idol. And if we believe we are perfect then we have no need for God. Elisabeth Elliot puts it this way, “There is no hope for any of us until we confess our helplessness. Then we are in a position to receive grace…So long as we see ourselves as competent, we do not qualify.”
I dropped a few plates last week and that’s OK. No one was hurt. No one was even angry. In fact, I doubt many people even noticed. And I’m thankful for the gracious reminder from my Father that in Him I can live free of the tyranny of perfection.
He did not create me to be Wonder Woman (although I really, really want an invisible plane and those awesome bullet deflecting bracelets!)