My husband died on a Sunday morning.
I remember that morning vividly–the ache of knowing he had minutes left to breathe. Holding his hand and gently rubbing his arm while choking back tears and trying to find some brilliant final words in case he could still hear me. Telling my kids their Dad was no longer here with us.
I remember some of my dearest friends and church family showing up at my door. They cried with me and hugged me. They prayed for me and waited with me until the hospice nurse arrived to do the final paperwork and the funeral home came to take his body away.
And then my memories are completely gone until that Tuesday morning when I found myself at Target. This was not a cliched trip to sip a latte and have some time to myself while filling my red cart with “must have” sale items. We were out of a few true necessities at the house and my son needed a belt–or something like that–to wear to the funeral.
I remember wandering through Target in a fog picking up our needed items and a few other random things and then making my way to the check-out line. The cashier started scanning my items and asked the obligatory, “How are you today?” And without missing a beat, I shot her a smile while saying, “I’m fine, thanks!”
And inside my head, alarms bells started blaring and the internal dialogue started. “Fine, really? How can you even smile? You’re a liar. You’re not even close to fine. You’re about to lose it in the middle of Target. The world as you’ve known it for almost 25 years no longer exists and you are smiling and claiming to be just fine.”
I managed to hold it together while she finished and I paid, then I made a quick exit from the store. And as I sat in my car with tears rolling down my face, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that it was just too easy to pull off faking that everything was perfectly OK when inside I was utterly devastated.
People are not OK. They are faking it, just like I did that day in Target. They are curating a filtered Instagram life of perceived perfection. They are broken. They are in pain. They are desperate to be loved for who they are and to be told that they matter. They need a hug and to hear they are not alone. They need someone to listen with no condemnation. They need us to speak words of hope and love into their lives. We all need this.
In celebrating the individual and promoting self our society has lost all sense of real connection with each other. Social media has become the obsession and force that it is today because it attempted to fill a void of community. It has not just failed but has increased our isolation as our “connections” occur while we are alone with our screens. God created us to live alongside each other, face to face, in real life, in real time–not with our screens. We are called to really know one another and what is happening in the lives of our friends and family and fellow believers. We are meant to share our struggles and live out Galatians 6:2 to, “Carry one another’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
How many times do we come through a dark period and see that we got through it in complete isolation, without help, all on our own? I would say it is very rare. Most of us would testify that in addition to the strength and grace God gives us to endure, He also sends someone to walk with us.
Let’s walk with each other and bear one another’s burdens. Let’s be honest about our struggles and share those burdens. No more faking it!
Just curious are any of these women single, widowed, divorced, alone?
Hello, Danita. Thank you for reaching out. Although all of the ladies in this particular photo are currently married except for me, several have experienced divorce and times of being alone. I also have other friends who are currently single. It is a blessing to have close friendships with a wide variety of circumstances and perspectives. I pray you have friends in your life you can rely on for support and community! Feel free to message me privately if I can help you in any way.
I wondered the same, how many widows that are left alone, in a time of losing their spouse. My friends abandoned me when I needed them most. Since I lost my husband 14 years ago, I have several friends that lean on me, but wasn’t there for me. But God leads me in the right direction and I am always here for them. Or at least I try to be. Just saying.
Glenda, Unfortunately I hear this more than I’d like. I think there are many reasons why people distance themselves after a friend’s spouse dies. They don’t know what to say or do and feel inadequate to help. Maybe they were closer to the spouse that died. If you were friends as a couple perhaps they feel like they are a reminder of the loss in some way. It’s a secondary loss and another thing to be grieved. I’m sorry you have experienced this. I try to remember that people are imperfect and broken and to give them grace as our Father gives us grace upon grace. I also was very intentional in staying connected and letting them know I still wanted to be friends. I was specific in telling them what I needed and what I did not need. I believe they found that refreshing as it gave them a confident way to continue to be my support. Most importantly, I focused on my vertical relationship with my heavenly Father and recognized that I cannot look to other people to fill me as only He can.
Once I had time to grieve and felt the need to connect again, I sought out other young widows and single people in my church and community and made new friends as well. The need for widows to have support and connections is now, thankfully, being recognized and more groups are forming that seek to do just that. Feel free to message me privately if you need to talk further. I will pray that you feel supported and loved!