My phone rang last Friday night. It was a close friend I had been playing phone tag with, so I answered quickly. As soon as I heard her voice on the other end of the line, I knew she wasn’t calling just to catch up or to schedule a girl’s night. She was upset, frustrated, and exhausted. My friend has been going through an extended difficult season and the week had been a rough one for her. I settled into a comfy chair for what I sensed would be a long conversation.
As she vented about the disappointments of the week, expressed her fears and inadequacies, and told me about the many hurdles she still had coming at her, I wanted desperately to give her good advice and wisdom–the perfect words that would suddenly lift her anxiety and help her see the path forward. I wished that I had the ability to fix it all for her. But I didn’t sense that was what she needed from me Friday night anyway.
I’ve been reading the book of Job. (Yes, quite the happy book to read in the middle of 2020!) There is a lot of debate about Job. When was it written? Who wrote it? Exactly what genre is it–poetry, lament, a parable, historical narrative, all the above? But what most people don’t debate is that Job’s “friends”–Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar–really make a mess of things. They each have some long-winded speeches where they basically tell Job that God punishes the wicked so he must have screwed up and is getting what he deserves. Geesh! Thanks friends.
Incidentally, I love some of Job’s responses to these friends of his.
Job 13:3 If only you would shut up and let that be your wisdom!
Job 16:2: You are all miserable comforters.
Job 19:2 How long will you torment me and crush me with your words?
There is no doubt that they mishandled their friend’s heart, but early in the story, I believe they had good intentions and demonstrated what our friends need from us when they are hurting.
Job 2:11-13 Now when Job’s three friends…heard about all this adversity that had happened to him, each of them came from his home. They met together to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they looked from a distance, they could barely recognize him. They wept aloud and each man tore his robe and threw dust into the air and on his head. Then they sat on the ground with him seven days and nights, but no one spoke a word to him because they saw his suffering was very intense.
The first thing they did was just show up. They heard about the awful things that had happened to Job, left their homes, and went to him. Our friends are desperate for us to simply show up for them. They need to see that they are important and we are willing to drop everything and go to them. Or simply answer the phone on a Friday night.
Job’s friends sympathized with him. Life is not fair. Sometimes it downright sucks. Faithful people suffer painful circumstances. Our friends need to hear us acknowledge that.
They offered Job comfort. Maybe it’s as simple as a hug or a cup of their favorite tea. It might be watching that movie that always makes them laugh. Reminding them of an encouraging verse of scripture or praying with them might bring comfort. What we offer can be unique to each friend and circumstance, but if we know our friends well, we will know what is comforting to them.
Job’s friends grieved with him. Maybe our besties wouldn’t appreciate us throwing dust and sitting on the ground, but I bet they would like to hear that our heart is hurting for them. Shedding tears for our friends doesn’t mean we aren’t being strong for them–it shows them that we see the depth of their pain and we are willing to bear it with them.
Finally, Job’s friends quietly stayed by his side for seven days. In Chapter 4, they start talking and it all goes downhill from there. But in that first week, they sat by Job’s side without saying a word. There may be a time when our friends need to hear our thoughts, when we have an opportunity to provide counsel, but usually that time is not at the beginning of the pain. More than anything else when our friends are struggling, they need our quiet presence.
2020 has been especially rough for so many. Let’s be Job 2 friends—show up, sympathize, comfort, grieve, be quiet until they are ready, and stay present.